Temperance & Balance
Sunday, January 5, 2025
Things have been quiet and calm recently—two descriptions I wouldn't say I'm accustomed to. No, I'm used to some type of steady, unmindful exertion like a pilot light always burning at the back of my mind. I'm used to having a muddy foothold on both my thoughts and emotions, doomed to attempt to interpret them through mediation or prayer or just plain writing. Here and now, that pilot flame seems to have dimmed since the last time I checked it. It's a nice feeling; it helps me focus on other things.
For example, I picked up fishing as a hobby just a few days ago. Although, I'm afraid to say I'm not too good at it. I tangled the line more times than I care to admit, cut my index finger, somehow got my palm filled with thorns, and I still don't have a single fish to show for it!
When I first started practicing, I had gone out alone, but it's only recently had I recognized there were whole days where I did not speak a single word to either myself or to anyone else. Looking back at it, it was peaceful. For some reason, I can't help but get a sense of temperance or balance through it.
Re-reading my other writings, I see just how much they were absorbed with the idea of other people, and I'm beginning to sincerely dislike that fact. If temperance is what the Almighty wants to teach me, then what better way than through the lens of my peers?
I know the indescribable importance of other people, but only through prayer have I understood that no matter if I want any singular person to be in my life or not, His plan will play out for me, regardless.
I hope I hold on to this mentality because things like my enamor for the opposite sex, or my unrealistic standards and expectations of them, or my failure to remember they're just human, or my pride, or my loneliness, or my ego all PALE in comparison to where I need to grow as a person. These things must be left behind. It's easy to say while things are tranquil, but I don't want anyone or anything to stand in the way of the version of the man I see for myself in the future.
So, no matter who you are, if you're currently in my life and despite whether we know each other well or not, know that I see your company as a blessing. And if I were only meant to share in your time for a short while, then know I enjoyed it while it lasted and I've wished you all the best of luck, because I'd sooner swallow the moon if my throat was wide enough than to continue in this pattern of endless craving.
Nothing and no one on this earth is worth that amount of desire and passion, especially the kinds of which I've already given ... or wasted. I've wasted so much on the idea of people. However, in this moment, I pray I take everyone at face value.
You are not what I think you are. You are not what I dream you should be. You are not my expectations, and nor are you my reprieve. You are what you say and what you do. Nothing more and nothing less. While sometimes you may fall short of whatever ridiculous standard or metric I judge you on like reciprocity or attentiveness, I find a great deal of beauty in your "missteps" because only then can I remember to release you from my imagination.
Looking back on those few days when nothing but the things in front of me were needed—not even words—what more could I ever "need" than my spirituality, my own company, and a purpose?
even a purpose as simple as stringing a fishing rod.
Commenti