Indifference
Sunday, March 9, 2025
Why must I grieve what could have been? The ideals I hold for people ought not have so much leverage over me, but they do. I grieve the words I did not say, and the emotions I did not give. Yet I grieve the words I did say, and the emotions I did give. Neither withholding my sentiments nor giving them away led to anything.
"Learn to express your emotions," they say to me. "But you will be punished either way." Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
Christ. It's better to be silent, isn't it? So I pray I never utter another word since they're so pointless. I pray I never share another sentiment since they're so disregarded. Perhaps if I only listen and never speak, I'll never have to risk diluting myself for those who cannot recognize my silence.
It's like some little game we play, and each of us are opposed against the other. We are quick to judge, slow to accountability, and insensitive to honesty.
You are foreign to me, and so is this place. The board on which we play is unfamiliar, and so are its pieces. Perhaps it'll always be this way for me, yet I've since learned acceptance but not calmness. If I could but bargain with God rather than beg, I might find some stillness inside this labyrinth of masks and facades.
If life is a game, then I intend on playing it ruthlessly—because ruthlessness is all I've known from my opponents. And my opponents surround me on all sides.
We can play this game of faces, but I guarantee my mask is more convincing than yours.
Damn you all! I would say, but I am quick to judge, slow to accountability, and insensitive to honesty. Let me hold out, then, for that which is good and gentle! Until that day comes when I meet someone honest and unafraid, I pray that instead of facing my opponents' masks, I disregard them outright. Maybe then, through ignorance, I may be saved from heartache!
I'd rather plead to God on my hands and knees than set the board again for this never-ending gamble of emotion and understanding. I thought I had learned this lesson years ago: Indifference is the only piece on the board which carries any weight.
What kind of dreadful game is this that you play against me—is it one where the only winning move is not to care?
Fine. Let's play.
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